From Honoring Heritage to Honoring Your Self
May has arrived, bringing with it both Asian American and Pacific Islander (AAPI) Heritage Month and Mental Health Awareness Month. Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are also around the corner.
As an American-born Asian myself, I know these are cause for celebration — but may also evoke complicated emotions for adult children of AAPI immigrant parents. That said, this post addresses common mental health challenges for those adult children, not parenthood specifically.
For anyone experiencing these challenges now, please know your feelings are valid and are shared by many within the AAPI community.
If this resonates with you, or if you’re supporting someone who is struggling to navigate these issues with self-compassion and grace, read on.
Growing up AAPI, what common challenges impact adult children of immigrant parents?
In my practice, I’ve observed many adult children struggling to honor their AAPI identity AND their own needs. In fact, I often hear “I don’t even know what I need.”
Here are some other themes that come up regularly:
Pain point #1: Cultural differences
Growing up between Western and AAPI cultures means navigating differing values and communication styles. Western societies emphasize individualism, directness, and assertiveness, whereas AAPI cultures prioritize community, indirect communication, and obedience.
Moreover, culture shapes how we show and receive love. Holidays like Mother's and Father’s Day can bring this into sharp focus. The U.S. often emphasizes gifts and verbal affirmations, whereas Asian cultures encourage acts of service or subtle expressions of care. This can lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings for everyone involved.
Research corroborates that intergenerational culture conflicts can lead to hurt feelings, shame, low mood, and other depression symptoms for both adult children and immigrant parents alike.
Conflicting values around things like self-reliance, communication, emotions, and social behavior create tension and friction, which take a toll on mental health.
NOTE:
Lest we overgeneralize, I’d like to acknowledge this upfront: given the diversity of the AAPI community in the U.S., family experiences can vary immensely. So can one's lived experiences with the pain points listed here.
These are in no way comprehensive, nor do they indicate how one "should" feel.
There is no "should" here — no matter your cultural heritage or family dynamics, your experience is valid, and your feelings are too.
Pain point #2: Differentiation
Something else adult children struggle with is differentiation, or figuring out who they are, separate from their collectivist upbringing.
Differentiation means forming your own thoughts, feeling your own feelings, and making your own choices — developing your own sense of Self — without being overly influenced by the emotions and expectations of others. This grants us ownership over our inner world, allowing us to develop healthy relationships without losing ourselves in them.
Even without cultural factors, this can be tough with close families. But for adult children of AAPI immigrants especially, self-determination isn’t a given.
Common conflicts may arise from:
COLLECTIVIST VALUES vs. INDIVIDUALISM.
Many AAPI cultures prioritize harmony of the family over any one person. It’s “we” over “me,” interdependence over independence. Adult children often struggle to hold different opinions or assert themselves. Filial piety can impede individual identity development and autonomy when children only learn to put parental wishes first.EMOTIONAL ENMESHMENT.
Strong family ties can also lead to blurred boundaries between family members. Kids may take undue responsibility for their parents' feelings and become parentified early on, then feel guilty or ashamed for diverging from their parents or community values. This can even influence other major life decisions like what to study, what job to work, where to live, and who to marry.LACK OF BOUNDARIES.
In a similar vein, setting boundaries with family members can feel disrespectful or impossible. Adult children often struggle to reconcile their “traditional” upbringing with Western experiences and act with self-assured autonomy. Frustration, anger, guilt, resentment, and even grief towards their parents and their culture may follow.
Pain point #3: Self-actualization
Another process that can be challenging for children of AAPI immigrant parents is self-actualization, which is the realization of one’s full potential, talents, and abilities.
Self-actualization is about manifesting everything you’re capable of, and living a life aligned with your authentic Self.
Building on differentiation, self-actualization is the broader pursuit of living a meaningful, connected, and fulfilling life.
Some common barriers include:
PRESSURE TO CONFORM.
You probably know the “tiger parent” stereotype, pushing kids into specific fields like medicine, engineering, and law. Unfortunately this can stifle curiosity and limit exploration, leaving adult children in stable but unfulfilling careers, struggling to find joy in restorative activities like hobbies, rest, and socializing.INTERNALIZATION OF THE “MODEL MINORITY” MYTH.
Then there's the "Model Minority" stereotype, which puts huge pressure on AAPI kids to think, act, and be a certain way (high-achieving, reserved, "successful," etc.). Those who “fail” to fit this very narrow mold may eventually develop a sense of inadequacy and general dissatisfaction with life, which which makes it even harder to explore what actually interests them.LIMITED AWARENESS OF INDIVIDUALISTIC PURSUITS.
Collectivist cultures often downplay self-expression, seeing it as "selfish" or "frivolous." The focus is on serving the group. As you now know, this can make it seem impossible for adult children to engage in self-care — including rest! — without feeling guilty. It may not even occur to them that self-care is an option, much less one that supports mental and emotional wellbeing.EMOTIONAL SUPRESSION & DISCONNECT.
Last but not least, some AAPI cultures view emotional vulnerability as “weakness” and discourage open expression of feelings, especially for men. Unrealistic expectations for stoicism can cause a lot of suffering for adult children who weren’t given a framework to understand their emotions, then end up feeling lost as they begin to feel feelings in adulthood. This can lead to self-stigma, unless one works to understand their emotions and uphold their own needs authentically.
A Quick analogy…
Differentiation: Think of a seed growing into a young tree. It develops its own roots and trunk, becoming its own Self in the forest. It needs to get its own nutrients and build a strong base, even though its roots might connect with others. This helps it survive on its own.
Self-Actualization: That young tree then grows into a mature one, reaching full height, spreading its canopy, maybe even producing flowers and fruit, sheltering birds and feeding animals. Because it established itself as an individual (differentiation), it can now act out its full potential in the ecosystem. It still benefits from being part of the forest, but it can thrive even if its branches are damaged or environmental conditions are less than ideal.
These challenges may be relatively common, but navigating them is a challenge unique to each person.
Tackling these complex emotions is a deeply personal journey.
Diversity and diaspora mean these feelings won't resonate universally, but many in the AAPI community have found more rewarding lives navigating similar paths. You are certainly not alone.
So, how can adult children start to close the gap between their AAPI heritage and Self?
Here are some ways to build self-compassion and begin healing cultural wounds:
ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR FEELINGS.
Mixed emotions are understandable. Loving your heritage and your family may not come easy… and that’s okay. Practice self-compassion and validate your lived experiences. They are real.IDENTIFY YOUR VALUES.
Clarify what is truly important to you. Where do your core values overlap with your parents’ values? This will be your personal compass as you navigate external expectations and make more authentic choices.FIND BALANCE IN YOUR CULTURAL IDENTITY.
Embrace the richness of your multicultural heritage. Find ways to celebrate that feel genuine and fit with your values. Consider selectively participating in traditions or creating new ways to honor your roots on your terms.PRACTICE MINDFUL COMMUNICATION.
Learn to convey yourself respectfully, in a way that adds to your wellbeing rather than takes away from your cultural values. Even saying you need space to make a decision shows growth, and helps with important boundary-setting later on.SET REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS.
Accept that deeply ingrained cultural values and communication styles won’t change overnight. Focus on small, incremental steps in setting boundaries and consequences, not immediate or drastic shifts.REASSESS OTHERS’ EXPECTATIONS.
A time may come when you want to explore your parents' perspectives from their eyes. You don't have to meet their expectations, but understanding where they’re coming from can build a stronger bridge to your heritage.MASTER YOUR OWN SELF-CARE.
This work can be emotionally draining. Rest, recover, and heal. Prioritize self-care activities that help you feel grounded and centered, such as mindfulness, healthy movement, and other hobbies.SEEK SAFE SUPPORTS.
Last but not least, connect with others who get it. Friends, support groups, and therapy can normalize and validate your lived experiences. You deserve to build a community — AAPI-identifying or otherwise — that respects who you are and shares your core values.
Big picture: AAPI Heritage Month and Mental Health Awareness Month shine a light on both the beauty and the challenges in AAPI families.
As we celebrate these things this month, let's also celebrate those who are navigating life between different cultures.
Finding your Self means reconciling the push and pull between others and yourself, interdependence and independence, monocultural history and multicultural reality. Successful differentiation creates the necessary space to really self-actualize and grow into who you're meant to be. You may even find yourself redefining what success and fulfillment look like, in a way that honors both your heritage and your dreams.
Deep-rooted cultural values and family dynamics can definitely make this path tricky. But honoring your heritage doesn't mean you have to sacrifice your wellbeing.
We all have the capacity to trailblaze our internal cultural landscapes with honesty and integrity.
If you already have supports to help you navigate this, utilize them. Navigating this by yourself can be lonely, stressful, and totally unnecessary.
After all, why do that when you can find empathetic support and an authentic community along the way?
By acknowledging nuances in your AAPI identity and embracing self-compassion throughout, you can navigate cultural challenges with self-love and resilience in a way that honors both your heritage and your Self.
Your journey is unique and valid.
There is no one-size-fits-all solution.
You deserve to find inner balance & personal fulfillment without sacrificing your cultural values.
You can navigate these challenges with self-compassion, mindfulness, and authenticity.
Your journey is unique and valid. There is no one-size-fits-all solution. You deserve to find inner balance & personal fulfillment without sacrificing your cultural values. You can navigate these challenges with self-compassion, mindfulness, and authenticity.
If the kind of support I mentioned above isn’t available to you right now, or if you’re still struggling to gain momentum in facing these challenges, it may be worth exploring further in a therapeutic setting.
These challenges are not necessarily exclusive to the AAPI community. I work with many clients from a wide range of cultural backgrounds, and everyone can benefit from doing the hard work to differentiate and self-actualize in a way that aligns with their unique values. If you’re looking to take that journey yourself, I invite you to reach out and schedule a complimentary 10-minute consultation when you’re ready.