ccc-counseling.com

View Original

Grief, Loss, and Mourning at Holidaytime

Charlene Chow

December really came in hot on the heels of Thanksgiving this year, didn’t it? In the blink of an eye, Christmas has passed, and so has the start of Hanukkah.

For many, this is an ongoing time for joy, togetherness, and celebration. “Happy holidays!” and new year’s greetings fill the air.

But what if you’re grieving?

How do you navigate a season of joy while carrying the weight of loss?

The messaging we get this time of year is that the holidays “should” be a time for joy and togetherness. But, according to a 2023 survey by the American Psychological Association, 41% of U.S. adults report higher stress levels during the holidays compared to other times of the year, with grief and loss being a significant contributing factor. For these folx, the holidays echo not just with laughter but also with the pain of loss.

This is equally true for people who have already lost loved ones AND for those who are expecting losses, such as in the case of terminal illness, progressive disease, divorce, moving from independent living into assisted living, and other major life transitions. In the event a loss has not yet happened, what can occur is a specific type of grief known as “anticipatory grief,” which deserves more attention in a future post.

For now though, let’s start by exploring why it’s hard to navigate grief in general this time of year, what the grief process looks like, and how to move forward from loss.

Why do the holidays seem to amplify grief?

I often see a surge in those seeking support for grief during this time. The truth is: while grief can be experienced at any time of year, the holidays can be particularly difficult for those who have lost loved ones.

With the added stress and expectations of the season, it’s completely understandable that feelings of loss and loneliness may become amplified. Any holiday traditions you may have grown up with are irrevocably disrupted and permanently changed by personal loss. Seeing empty chairs at the dinner table, foregoing phone calls and holiday cards made in years past, buying one less gift, making one less mug of nog — suddenly, any and every thing may evoke a powerful sense of loss and longing. Likewise, cherished memories or anecdotes that once brought comfort and nostalgia may suddenly seem colored over by pain, sadness, even guilt or regret.

If you’re grieving in this moment, then you’ve likely already experienced how this generally festive atmosphere, with its focus on family and togetherness, now serves as a stark reminder of your loved one’s absence. The pressure to be cheerful and participate in holiday traditions can further make it difficult to process your emotions and honor your grief.

To do that, I find it helpful here to actually take a step back first and really understand what your grief is.

What is grief?

Grief is a unique and personal journey, but there are some common things people may experience while grieving.

Perhaps our most widespread understanding of grief today comes from the Kübler-Ross model, pioneered in 1969, which describes grief as initially having 5 stages:

  1. Denial: Often the initial reaction to loss, a sense of disbelief or numbness. This can be a protective mechanism to help you cope with the overwhelming pain of loss.

  2. Anger: As you confront the reality of the loss, you may feel anger towards yourself, others, and/or the situation.

  3. Bargaining: “Wishful thinking” such as negotiating with a higher power, deal-making or reflecting on actions one ‘should have taken’ to change the outcome.

  4. Depression: Intense sadness and despair, sometimes with obvious physical slowing or delayed movements. It can be hard to get out of bed, find motivation, engage with others, or even take care of yourself in this stage.

  5. Acceptance: This doesn't mean you're okay with the loss, but you're beginning to come to terms with it and find ways to move forward.

More recently, this model of grief has been expanded by David Kessler to include a 6th and very important stage:

6. Meaning: Finding meaning in the loss & integrating it into your life story, maybe by honoring the memory of who or what was lost, or finding ways to continue their legacy.

Note that these stages are NOT linear. You may not experience all of them, or in this order. You may also experience all of them repeatedly.

It's important to remember that grief is a complex but “normal” process — a natural response to losing something or someone you cared so much about. Therefore, there's no “right” or “wrong” way to feel.

Remember how I said the messaging we get this time of year is that the holidays “should” be a time for joy and togetherness? There are no “shoulds” with any feeling, but especially grief. Grief has its own timeline and moves at its own pace. Sometimes, grief seeks company for its misery. Other times, grief may ask you to retreat and reflect.

Grief can have a long memory, so it’s no surprise that anniversaries and important dates like holidays may be particularly triggering.

How else does grief manifest?

Feeling grief may be quite “normal,” but I caution against anyone ‘getting stuck’ in it. If you’re at the point where you think you may no longer be processing loss(es) in a healthy, productive manner, or your grief has begun to severely impact other areas of your life for an extended period of time, it may be worth reassessing whether and how your grief is truly serving you.

Here are some symptoms to look out for:

  • Sadness: Pervasive feelings of emptiness, despair, and hopelessness that leave you drained or emotionally heavy. It might be increasingly difficult to concentrate or find joy or contentment, even in things you used to enjoy.

  • Anger: Intense frustration, resentment, or irritability. This can be directed at the person/pet/thing you lost, at yourself, or even at a higher power. You may lack healthy outlets for your anger, and in fact run the risk of further self-isolating.

  • Guilt: Other similar emotions include regret and shame. You might dwell on words you did or didn’t say, or things you did or didn't do. Bargaining and wishful thinking are common features of ‘getting stuck’ in these feelings.

  • Anxiety: Worry, fear, dread, and panic, often of an existential nature. You might find yourself ruminating on the future, on your ability to cope, or on the wellbeing of others, despite recognizing it is unhelpful to do so in the moment.

  • Physical symptoms: Fatigue, sleep disturbances (including insomnia OR hypersomnia), new pains, stomach upset and/or appetite changes. Like other feelings, grief lives in our bodies and can take a toll on physical health.

If any of this resonates, it may be time to ask yourself this: am I stuck in my grief, and what else will help me mourn my loss(es)?

What if you’re feeling stuck in grief?

Despite the holiday hustle, here are some immediate things you can start trying to do differently:

  • Acknowledge your feelings: Don't suppress them. Allow yourself to feel sad, angry — whatever. Give yourself permission to grieve. Express your emotions in healthy ways, like talking to a trusted friend or family member, journaling, meditating, or engaging in mindful movement.

  • Take care of yourself: Likewise, make sure to get enough sleep, eat healthy foods, and exercise regularly. Grief can be physically and emotionally draining, so it's crucial to prioritize self-care. Do what brings you comfort, relaxation, and peace, like spending time in nature, listening to music, or doing a hobby.

  • Set realistic expectations: Let go of the pressure to participate in every (or any!) holiday activity. It's okay to say “no” to things that you're not feeling up to or cannot be mentally present for. Prioritize your well-being and choose activities that feel manageable and supportive instead.

  • Create new traditions: If old traditions are too painful, consider starting new ones that honor your loved one's memory. Focus on your relationship with whoever or whatever was lost. Maybe light a candle in a loved one’s honor, or make a donation in their name, or indulge in nostalgia with safe supports.

  • Connect with others: Speaking of which, spend time with supportive friends and family members. Or engage with a professional such as a counselor or therapist. Talk about your loss. Share memories and reminisce. Center meaningful connections that nourish you emotionally. Does your grief demand an audience in this moment? If yes, listen to it.

Remember that even small steps can make a big difference. Healing is a journey after all, not a destination. Not only is it okay to seek support along the way — it may in fact help you travel farther, faster.

In closing, I want to reiterate a few things…

  1. Grief is a process, not an event.

    It takes time to heal, and there will be ups and downs along the way. Give yourself grace, time, and space to grieve.

  2. Be patient with yourself.

    Don't expect to feel better overnight. Healing is a gradual, often painful, sometimes overwhelming process. Be kind to yourself AND to your emotions.

  3. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.

    Everyone experiences grief, but everyone mourns differently. What works for one may not work for another. Find what feels right for you, and honor your own unique grieving process.

  4. Most importantly, you are not alone.

    Many people struggle with grief during the holidays. There are resources available to help you. Don't hesitate to reach out for support.


If all is said and done and you’re STILL struggling to cope with grief, it may be time to consult a mental health professional. Consider joining a grief support group or reaching out to an individual counselor.

As a therapist who has worked with a lot of grief and loss, I love helping clients develop new coping tools to better navigate painful emotions and difficult transitions, to move through their suffering, and to learn to thrive again. If you happen to be grieving right now, I believe that to be possible for you as well.

If you're interested in exploring therapy for support around grief, please don't hesitate to reach out to me to schedule a complimentary, exploratory consultation.

There is absolutely no shame in asking for help, and no reason to remain isolated when you’re in need of help.

Additional Resources

If you or someone you know is struggling with grief, additional resources can be found online.

Here are some good places to start:

National hotlines:

  • Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741

  • The Trevor Project: 866-488-7386

  • National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988 or www.988lifeline.org

  • National Maternal Mental Health Hotline: 833-9-HELP4MOMS (833-943-5746)

  • Disaster Distress Helpline: Call or text 800-985-5990

  • National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) HelpLine: 800-950-NAMI (6264)  

MA hotlines:

NY hotlines:

Bonus resources for pet loss:

Disclaimer: This blog is intended for informational purposes only, and does not constitute medical or psychiatric advice. Please consult with a qualified healthcare professional directly for personalized guidance and support.