Happier, Healthier Holiday Expectations & Boundaries
It's that time of year again: holiday season.
For many, this means added stress, on top of the everyday variety.
Did you know that nearly 89% of Americans experience stress during the holiday season, which encompasses the period from Thanksgiving through the New Year? Women are more likely than men to report feeling stressed and losing sleep around the holidays, but this stress can have a significant impact on mental and physical health, as well as substance misuse, for all genders.
Why? There's the pressure to create the "perfect" holiday; the financial strain of doing something, anything, for Thanksgiving and beyond; the complex or even hostile family dynamics to navigate; the numerous social obligations outside of your home; the potential for loneliness or grief for those experiencing major losses; the list goes on.
Many of these stressors are things you may not want to — or cannot — avoid altogether. That being the case, I'd like to approach holiday stress from a different angle, and explore how you can protect your mental health and peace of mind by managing expectations and setting boundaries.
Why is it important to manage expectations?
Expectations are our beliefs and assumptions about how things “should” be. During the holidays, expectations can manifest in many areas, such as:
Family interactions: How family members “should” behave, how much time we “should” spend together, and the level of harmony that “should” exist during gatherings.
Traditions: What traditions “should” be upheld, like hosting elaborate gatherings and meals, attending religious services, exchanging gifts, etc.
Personal achievements: How we ourselves “should” behave as host or guest — for example, staying cheerful despite stressful situations, avoiding conflicts, or staying on top of holiday to-do lists.
Social comparison: Thinking our experience “should” be the same or ‘better’ than others’, leading to unfair judgments & dissatisfaction over how our celebrations compare.
Unrealistic or rigid expectations only contribute to unnecessary stress, disappointment, frustration, exhaustion, and conflict. Expecting a ‘perfect’ Thanksgiving can rob us of the joy and gratitude that are meant to be the heart of the holiday.
How can we manage expectations better, or just differently?
One thing I really enjoy working on with clients is expectation-setting. This involves:
Identifying your beliefs and assumptions about how things “should” be.
Analyzing whether these beliefs and assumptions translate to realistic, appropriate, accurate expectations.
Challenging any flawed beliefs and assumptions accordingly.
Resetting expectations to be more realistic, appropriate, accurate, and less likely to disappoint or mislead you.
What might this look like for Thanksgiving?
Reframe “perfection.” Let go of the idea of a flawless holiday. Focus instead on what brings you inner peace and satisfaction.
Set realistic goals for your holiday. What can you realistically do? Consider S.M.A.R.T. goals, your time, energy, and resources.
Prioritize self-care throughout. This is foundational. Even brief self-care activities can be effective.
Healthy expectation-setting brings with it an acceptance that things may not go according to plan, yet you will always have the opportunity to find connection, gratitude, and meaningful experiences despite that.
Resetting expectations supports a shift in attitude that better meets your needs, and also supports behavioral changes that sometimes can — or must — accompany different expectations.
Those behavioral changes are called boundaries.
Why is it important to set boundaries?
Boundaries are guidelines, rules, or limits that protect our physical, emotional, and mental wellbeing in interactions with others. They define what we find acceptable vs. unacceptable.
Here’s what healthy boundary-setting does for us:
Reduce stress and anxiety: When we’re clear about our needs, we can do our best to communicate them and keep others from overstepping our limits. This reduces the risk of unnecessary stress, anxiety, and emotional burnout.
Improve relationships: Communicating our boundaries clearly helps build trust and understanding with loved ones. When loved ones then honor our boundaries, we feel mutually safe and secure in our relationships.
Increase self-esteem: Setting and maintaining your own boundaries is an act of self-respect and self-love, and is ultimately a commitment to your own emotional wellbeing.
During the holidays, boundary-setting helps us navigate challenging dynamics without losing sight of ourselves and our needs.
How can we set healthier boundaries?
Identify your needs & limits. These are your boundaries. Reflect on the different types you hold: mental, physical, emotional, financial, temporal, etc. What are you willing to do or not do, and under what circumstances?
Identify the consequences of violating your needs and limits. Consequences are NOT ultimatums and NOT punitive. They are simply cause and effect. For better or worse, every boundary violation carries a natural consequence.
Communicate your boundaries AND consequences. Be clear, consistent, and assertive. Have a conversation in advance of any boundary violation, if possible — if not, know that it is still worthwhile to communicate your needs and limits.
Say "no." Authentically, and whenever necessary. This is a skill you can practice and learn. The more you say “no” when you need to, the less reason there will be for guilt or apology.
Enforce consequences that protect and maintain your boundaries. Uphold your boundaries by following through with appropriate consequences, where actionable.
Some general categories of boundaries, defined.
Here’s how some boundaries might look for the holidays:
Physical: You’ve set limits around your personal space, and are prepared to disengage from overly touchy relatives.
Emotional: You have a plan to shut down judgmental comments and unwelcome prying. Likewise, you don’t take on others’ emotional baggage.
Verbal: You’ve communicated how you do or don’t wish to be spoken to, and what you won’t tolerate (i.e. yelling, insults, or hurtful language).
Time: Your schedule works for you. If you’ve taken time off from your job, then leave work at work. You’ve timeboxed activities or people that you expect to find challenging.
Material: You’ve taken steps to protect your belongings and resources, especially if lending, borrowing, or gifting are common issues this time of year. Keep your safe spaces safe.
A note about consequences…
In my professional experience, it tends to be much tougher to maintain boundaries than it is to set them in the first place.
Why? Because no one likes consequences. And yet they are key to the boundary-setting process.
Consequences come in 2 forms:
Intended consequences: These are the desired outcomes you hope to achieve by setting a boundary. For example, if you decline an invitation to a Thanksgiving family gathering because you know it will trigger your anxiety, the intended consequence is to protect your mental health and avoid stress or conflict with loved ones.
Unintended consequences: These are the outcomes that you didn't anticipate or plan for when setting the same boundary. They can be positive or negative. For example, declining that Thanksgiving invitation might lead to hurt feelings or misunderstandings with your family, which may lead to conflict anyway, even though your intention was only to prioritize your wellbeing. On the other hand, it may be worth the conflict if you’re already too burned out or overwhelmed, or if attending will expose you to abusive situations that further worsen your mental health. You might also be free to attend a different gathering with people who are safer supports, and create new traditions that serve you better in the long run.
It bears repeating that consequences are NOT ultimatums and NOT punitive. They are simply cause and effect. Like it or not, every boundary violation carries a natural consequence, with the severity of its outcome depending on the importance of the boundary.
I say this not to deter you from boundary-setting but to illustrate the impact both types of consequences when setting boundaries, especially around sensitive topics like family relationships. It's impossible to predict every outcome, but careful consideration and clear communication can help minimize any negative unintended consequences, and maximize the chances of achieving your desired outcome.
In closing, focus on creating meaningful experiences and cherishing time with loved ones. Remember, this holiday is about celebrating connection and gratitude, NOT perfection.
To that end, I offer a few final tips to help with your expectation-setting and boundary-setting journey this season.
Limit social media to avoid setting unrealistic expectations or making unfair comparisons.
Limit news consumption to disconnect from constant negativity and make space to refocus on your wellbeing.
Prioritize self-care in the form of healthy eating, sleep, and limits on substance use.
Plan ahead where possible to reduce last-minute stress.
Delegate tasks and share responsibilities to avoid feeling overwhelmed.
Along that same vein, please don’t hesitate to seek support. If you find yourself struggling this time of year, please know that your feelings are valid. Whether you’re having difficulty working through holiday stress or something else, there’s never any shame in asking for help from friends, family, or a therapist — I, for one, am always ready to listen.
By managing expectations, setting boundaries, and prioritizing self-care and connection, you can move through the holidays with greater peace of mind and mental wellbeing.
Crisis hotlines and additional resources
National Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: 988 or www.988lifline.org
NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) Crisis Text Line: text “NAMI” to 741-741
SAMHSA (Substance Abuse & Mental Health Services Administration) National Helpline: (800) 662-4357
National Domestic Violence Hotline: (800) 799-SAFE (7233)
The Trevor Project Hotline: (866) 488-7386 or text 678-678
National Sexual Assault Hotline: (800) 656-HOPE (4673)
National Grad Student Crisis Line: (877) 472-3457 — gradresources.org